Narcissism & Narcissistic Abuse
Lately, narcissism has been a hot topic around the country.
Many opinions are offered about what narcissism is and what it isn’t. I see it as one of the more unpleasant psychological syndromes for the people it affects, their closest friends and their loved ones. It’s important to understand that most of us have some narcissistic traits in some form or another. Having these personality traits is very different from having a full-blown disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
There are men and women alike that suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) although the assumption is that it is a male issue, not true.
I know personally what it feels like to be intimately involved with someone that has this condition. My own experience was that I did not fully realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a person that suffers from this condition until it was over and the damage was done.
Idealize, Devalue, Discard
The classic progression for narcissistic abuse typically plays out in this order:
- Idealize
- Devalue
- Discard
The Idealize Phase
The Idealize phase is at the beginning of the relationship when a very powerful bond is created. NPD has an uncanny ability to charm, excite and impress you, leaving you awestruck while they are subconsciously absorbing you into their ego.
Some call this experience “love bombing”. This is when a powerful neurological love bond is created.
THE LOVE BOMBER
This is also when the “hoped for” relationship is imprinted. The love bombing phenomenon is what makes Narcissistic abuse so unique. You will come to believe that this is a very special, unique person and that you are also special because they chose you!
You may have noticed little flashes of concerning behaviors from NPD. There could be angry outbursts, extreme sensitivity to feeling criticized or evaluated, and even odd inaccurate responses to body language and facial expressions. These red flags are usually overlooked or ignored because the magic of being intoxicated with your new love overrides any logic.
The Devaluing Phase
Devaluing, the next phase, can be both painful and confusing.
This is when people with NPD’s covert criticisms become quite overt. They will typically start lashing out with piercing comments and critiques of your shortcomings and weaknesses.
It can happen during arguments or randomly without provocation. The criticisms can be shocking and leave you hurt and shaken. You may find yourself hoping to get back to the magic and love initially experienced in the idealize phase.
LOSS OF SELF
During Loss of Self, you may begin to develop people-pleasing behaviors in an effort to avoid upsetting NPD and get a fix of love or affection that you are now craving desperately. Self-esteem starts to taper off during this phase. Self-doubt becomes common as you come to believe that the powerfully effective criticisms coming from NPD are true on some deep level.
The function of the Devalue phase is to break your will with the fear of losing the love you were so sure of in the beginning. When your self-esteem is but a withering thread, the only sense of worth you may feel comes at NPD’s discretion.
You may become vulnerable to other conditions such as insomnia, anxiety and depression.
The Discard Phase
The final phase is Discard. This is when NPD disowns you. It can come in a final abrupt assault or a cool condescending dismissal. Whichever way it comes, it can be a devastating blow.
Counseling would be the most beneficial during both this phase and the Devaluing phase. A trained therapist can help you validate yourself and recover your self esteem on the way back to better mental health.
No Contact
No. Contact. This is absolutely the recommended path after you have been discarded.
Avoid getting into any serious intimate relationships for several months following the end of an abusive relationship, lest you repeat the same experience and compound the damage. The pain being discarded by NPD following the storm of love, anger and fear you just experienced has a numbing effect and is quite disorienting.
Take Time to Heal
It’s going to take some serious recovery to get back to feeling like your authentic and very lovable self again. The majority of your grief will come from the loss of the “hoped for” relationship that NPD effectively drew you into. Your goal for healing after experiencing one of these devastating experiences is to discover the parts of yourself that attracted NPD in the first place and heal them so this does not happen anymore.
This will take the courage to change. With the help of a professional you can regain your healthy sense of self and avoid getting back into relationships with NPD.
– Matthew Jarvis, MA, LPC, LAC, EMDR
